If you've lived with me for any extended period of time, you've probably seen exactly how an anxiety attack manifests itself in my particular case. Some people, people who know me 'extra well', know how to handle the situation. Nick, Kyle, my parents--these people know what medications to run for, what things to say/not say and do/not do, and they have insight into the complicated and irrational train of thought that is running through my mind. Thank goodness for them!
I am sometimes curious what my children will think of these episodes. They aren't all that frequent, but they are usually memorable! I think it must be difficult for them to understand what's happening. And, frankly, it should be difficult to comprehend: It doesn't make sense. Still, I wonder...
The other day (maybe it has been a week or so ago now) I had a terrible anxiety attack. After my medicine had started to kick in and I was able to communicate on a semi-rational level, Nathan started asking me, "What's wrong, Mom? What's the matter?" I had to stop and think about this. I couldn't say 'nothing', but I couldn't exactly pinpoint what the problem might be. Finally I just said, "Nathan, Mommy has 'scare-oos'". This is the word Nathan uses to describe being scared. And that seemed to make sense to him. And then Nathan told me what I would tell him in a similar situation:
"But, Mommy, monsters aren't real."
This is what I have said to him. But I was wrong. Sometimes, monsters ARE real. Sickness, disease, pain, heartbreak, death: these monsters are VERY real. And it's the human condition to have these monsters lurking in our closets and under our beds. This comes to my mind on good Friday.
Because we say "Good" Friday--and for us, it is! BUT, think about all the real monsters that Jesus was encountering on this day 2,009 years ago. Pain. Heartbreak. Death. These monsters God took upon Himself willingly. Why? So we would have the opportunity to live unbound by these exact things.
I pray for glimpses of monster-free living (read: heaven) while I'm walking down here on earth. And I keep walking because I have the hope of heaven. Where would we be without hope?
"Yes, Nathan, monsters ARE real. But, Nathan, Jesus is real...and Jesus already triumphed over the monsters!"
Nathan Paul
10/10/2005
Nia Madelynn
08/27/2007
Lottie Caroline
11/03/2008
Liam Calvin
03/25/2010
Nixon Kyle
10/16/2014
1 comment:
Read your comment on MCK blog & wanted to read the post that you mentioned. I have bipolar 2 disorder & sometimes have anxiety that accompanies it. I am really struggling right now, as the meds I am taking only seem to help certain aspects of my illness. I want you to know you are not alone in your concern for raising children while dealing with an illness of this sort. Wish I had answers for this side of Heaven. Really wish I did.
"And frankly, it should be difficult to comprehend: It doesn't make sense." I couldn't agree with you more. Prayers for you & yours.
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