05/04/2007

I believe that God points backwards. Most of the time God is not an audible voice in my ear or a warm fuzzy feeling in difficult times. Most of the time I feel God is silent and I wonder if His eyes have become more focused on the sparrows than they are on me. I used to find this frustrating. I wondered why I wasn't able to experience God in the same way other Christians attested to relating with Him. Several years ago, I realized a couple of things. One, God doesn't interact with everyone in the same manner. He created all of us individually and deals with us as such. Secondly, I found that in my life, when I look everywhere and can't find God, I can count on finding Him one place: He will be standing silently in the recesses of my soul and pointing backwards.

"Stop!" His silence seems to say, "Calm down...stop worrying about tomorrow. Just take a few minutes to turn around and look back." I turn and follow the direction of His finger. The path of my life is littered with answered prayers, undeserved mercy, unfathomable grace, forgotten sins, and the constant presence of this God who seems so silent. And I remember something crucial; I have wondered where God was nearly my entire life. In retrospect (they say hindsight is 20/20), I see that He has been right beside me all along. That gives me the strength to walk through tunnels that seem dark and lonely.

I have had moments of clarity where I felt and saw God. I know, based on His track record of faithfulness, that today will not be the day He gives up on me. My Aunt Dorothy advised, "Don't question in the darkness what you saw clearly in the light." I have seen God clearly. I still fall into the trap of MY concerns, MY schedule, and MY preferences. I try to squeeze God into my homemade Jello mold and say, "Things will be best this way." Then I am frustrated when He doesn't respond to my each and every whim and I go searching for Him. And I find Him right where He has always been...and He's doing the same thing He has Had to do so often...He's pointing backwards.

"Rachel Lynn, I know the plans I have for you. They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you. They are plans to give you hope and a future...a much better future than you could devise. Oh, and Rachel, don't worry about tomorrow. Do not fear, because I'm right here with you. I am going to give you strength and I'm going to help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And, one more thing, about the sparrows: I care for you infinitely more than I care for them. I notice every time a sparrow gets hurt...you never need to question my concern for you. I began a good work in you, and I will be faithful to complete it. I've been faithful all along. Go ahead, look backward."