08/24/2007

"Do not panic."

I've been faithfully corresponding with my brother, Kyle, via US (snail) Mail during his time at boot camp. I try to think of funny stories to share, or tidbits which I think might cheer him up a bit. Sometimes I share quotes (I shared one the other day that I found on the side of my Starbucks cup). Sometimes I share song lyrics. Usually writing these letters is a job that only I undertake, but the other day Nick decided to contribute.

We have a deck of cards (like a small post-card size) that have tips for various 'Worst Case Scenario's.' Nick enjoyed picking out a Worse-Case card to send to Kyle. The one he chose was, I believe, advice on surviving a shark attack. Nick wrote some fantastic testimonial on the back of the card which eluded to the various times the advice on this very card had saved him from certain death. He hoped Kyle might find the information useful. Today I was peeking through the cards again, just out of curiosity. Here are just a few of the timely and applicable subjects which the deck addresses:

How To Escape From Killer Bees
How To Fend Off an Alligator (this begins by suggesting a person attempts to cover the alligators eyes. Running seemed more appropriate to me!)
How to Deal With a Charging Bull (step 1: Look for an escape route. DUH!)
How to Escape From a Car Hanging Over the Edge of a Cliff
How to Control a Runaway Camel
and
How to Survive in a Plummeting Elevator

Wow! And that is just a handful of topics. I plan to memorize all 30 cards so I am prepared the next time I encounter quicksand, am cornered by a mountain lion, or need to jump from a moving vehicle. The very fact that human beings have survived as a species without these cards is astonishing! But, what really tickled me was the card about surviving in a plummeting elevator. Here's why:

Step 1: Do not panic.

Do not panic? Are you kidding me? If I find myself stuck in an elevator that is falling at the speed of gravity from some great distance, I think the first step is DEFINITELY to panic! However, assuming I am able to (in a split second) tell myself to view the cup half full (at least I'm in an air conditioned environment, etc.), here is the next step:

Step 2: Lay Down. Standing may be difficult, anyway.

In reality, my inability to follow Step 1 would probably lead to me fainting. Thus, whether or not Step 1 is followed, I will likely adhere to Step 2. The final step:

Step 3: Cover your face and head to protect them from debris that may break loose during the deceleration at the bottom of the free fall.

Here's a question: How often do you expect an elevator 'plummets' toward the ground and then, a floor or two before impact, begins to decelerate? I think it would be quite rare. By deceleration, perhaps they mean 'total destruction' or 'incredibly riveting landing.' Anyhow, I guess this is good advice to keep in mind. I, for one, hope to never try it out. Please let me know if any of you have been in this situation, and if so, what steps you followed to successfully walk away unscathed. Until that time, may this be a comfort to all of you:

Plummeting elevators are extremely rare: Do not panic.