12/05/2007

"God's timing is rarely our timing.

But far better than we do,

he numbers our days and knows our moments and hours.

Our task is to trust."

-Os Guinness

It is a nice house. It has three bedrooms, is nearly brand new, has a fenced in yard, and is within walking distance of Nick's new store. It is everything I think I 'want,' and so over the next few weeks we will attempt to iron out the details. I hope, pray, dream, and wish it will work out...but, my ultimate 'task is to trust,' and I am not so good at that. I desire my timing, dreams, and hopes to align with God's timing and plan for me. But, when you trust in someone else, you put your hands up in the air and say, "You take charge...I know that you will ultimately do better at this than I would." And that is difficult for me.

God, will my timing be Your timing? Will You work out a plan that allows a move-in date to align with a move-out date? Or do You have something else in mind?

I wish I had the noble ability to remain calm and dignified despite my inclination to bite my fingernails, pry and prod, and argue with God and men over what I think would be best for me.

I don't like suspense. I, along with the rest of humanity, have a strong bent toward instant gratification. I have a preference for far more than I need. I get upset over trifles. As long as I'm sitting on my favorite beach, in my most comfortable beach chair, with the air at a perfect temperature, the humidity at a minimum, the sun shining from my favorite direction, a breeze blowing at my favorite speed, the waves crashing at my favorite height, working on an ice cream come of my favorite flavor, and reading my favorite book, then I'm content. But place me on the wrong beach with no chair, a stifling temperature and 150% humidity, rainclouds in the sky, no breeze, no waves, a spilled ice cream cone that dripped and ruined my book, and I can't seem to find reason to rejoice. I can't even be content. So, today I confess I'm hesitant to ask God to teach me that His timing is best. I guess I don't want to learn to trust Him if it means not getting my way. I'm not proud of it...it is just real life.

I don't think I'm alone in this. Kyle, are you learning about God's timing? Do you wonder how your current situation could possibly be His plan? Because I do. I know how you feel. Dad, are you learning about God's timing? Are you wondering why you find yourself where you didn't plan to be? Jesse, are you learning about God's timing? Are you questioning His wisdom in months without your children and wife? Mom Jones, are you learning about God's timing? When good friends pass away, and joy (particularly Emma Joy) is literally thousands of miles away, do you wonder why? I do. Sabrina, when you have to reassess what really matters, do you question God's timing? Grandma, do you think maybe God could have let Grandpa's health remain a little longer? Anna Liese, are you too young to deal with your circumstances? I'm right there. I'm full of questions and completely void of answers. But, as frustrating as dark times can be, I'm encouraged by the light that I see when I look back through the section of tunnel that I've already walked. Sometimes I don't see light at the end of the tunnel...I just see the lights that God positioned as I journeyed through 22 years of His timing.

The lights show up when I trusted His timing.

Boyfriends gone.

Children born.

Houses sold.

Money lost.

Hard decisions made.

Ultimatums.

Friends and family who spoke truth.

Tears cried.

Heart ached.

BUT - Surrender is sweet. Surrender brings light to my tunnel. God, grant me the ability to trust You in little and big things. Forgive me for my chronic unbelief, stubbornness, and poor judgement. You are All-Knowing. Why do I not hastily surrender to Your timing?