04/15/2007

The language which my heart most fluently speaks is the language of music. I tried to explain this to someone the other day and was greeted by a blank stare. I was sharing that often, when I cannot find sufficient words to express my emotions to God, I can 'play' my heart on the piano. I have often asked God to interpret the notes I play, because I know He can. I recall a passage of scripture that says the Lord interprets our groaning. Sometimes I let the piano do my groaning. Music is also the means in which I best express my feelings for other people. I have written songs for Nathan, for my Grandfather, for my parents, for my brother, and for my husband. Adding notes adds a depth that no adjective can reach. I have been so spoken to by songs written by people I've never met who I believe also speak the language of music. I have just been reflecting on some of the songs that are etched on my heart.

Rich Mullins wrote a song called 'Hold Me, Jesus.' I have often sung the chorus with tears rolling down my cheeks. It is a song for tough, trying times. It says:
"So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory. Won't you be my Prince of Peace?"
Just off hand, I'm recalling the night when I told my Mom and Dad that I had found a tumor. I was maybe 16 years old, and although I had known about the tumor for some time, I had waited to tell them. Perhaps because saying the words out loud forced me to acknowledge that I could be dealing with something very grim. That night, as a teenager, I slept in bed with my Mom. I distinctly remember the words to that song going through my mind..."I'm shaking like a leaf." Singing didn't provide an answer, it didn't take away the tumor, but it was an act of surrender. God, I'm not big enough, not strong enough, not enough period. I need You.

This evening I didn't have any particularly entertaining story to relay. I decided that since I have a multitude of songs which have spoken to (and still speak to) me, that when I have lack of a better idea, I will share one of them. It is good for me to remember the moments I've spent with God and these songs anyways.